Cold Clay

A couple of weeks ago I began going
to a training series that my church is putting on.
The series is on, wait for it... 

PREACHING. 

That's right. I'm taking a preacher training course. 

I don't know if that is really shocking or not. I also don't know exactly how I feel about it or even why I decided to take the course in the first place. The only answer I can give is that I did it on a whim because I was curious enough to put my name on a list and interested enough to think it may be useful. 

At the time I consoled myself with the thought that preaching can't be that much different from putting together an oral presentation for class. In spite of how anxious, shy and worked up I can get around people I actually genuinely enjoy presenting in front of a class. I think that a large piece of why I like presenting is because it's like teaching in a lot of ways and I really enjoy teaching. And that is where my insecurity comes into play.

I'm a teacher not a preacher. 

 

At least I think I am... That's what I've always told myself. 

I actually had several different opportunities to preach and share testimonies when I was away. I preached in Australia, Malaysia, India and South Africa specifically. I did a lot of speaking to groups everywhere else but it was never formal and usually directed towards children so I consider it teaching. 

My first crack at preaching happened in Australia and it was awful. Even while I was speaking I could feel my anxiety and the feelings of depression coming over me. I was ripping myself apart and I hadn't even finished speaking yet! It was seriously awful. I spent the rest of our night of ministry drilling into my head two things: 

1. I will never be good at preaching; 2. I will never willingly preach again.

Interestingly enough I've learned in the past couple of weeks that feeling tired and having the enemy come to attack, discourage and tear you down right after preaching is extremely common. We spent a good chunk of time in preacher training talking about it. 

I did preach again but I went into it with a lot of anxiety. 

In Malaysia I was given the honour of preaching in the villages of Rompin. Speaking in Malaysia was actually okay. Our team fasted together in preparation and I didn't get hit with the same terrible feelings of failure that I had before. 

Again in India we were given the honour to preach in several different villages and at a crusade. It was good. I really do like public speaking and by the time I was India I actually started to warm up to the idea of being in front of a crowd. What I still lacked confidence in and really struggled with was the message itself. I really did not see myself as capable of saying something that was truly from God. I spent hours privately doing a post mortem of my sermon obsessing over ways to be better and what I had done wrong. 

As part of preacher training I have to prepare and deliver two 5 minute "sermonettes" to the class. I fretted in the car on the way home about whether or not I'm even capable of hearing the voice of God and delivering a clear message. Somehow in the face of a giant I seriously began to doubt that I can hear God's voice. I was running through every less than stellar moment that I've had while preaching when God interrupted my thoughts.

"What about South Africa?"

"I didn't preach in South Africa." 

"Yes you did. Remember?" 

And then I did remember... In South Africa our squad set up and participated in a 24 hour prayer room to intercede over Coffee Bay. As one of the organizers and leaders I chose to fast, pray and stay awake for the full 24 hours. We ended our prayer time with a "Christmas Eve" in July service which I preached the message for. So many walls in my heart were broken wide open in that 24 hours. 

I don't know how to explain it exactly except that I had been with Jesus and it showed. I spoke clearly with confidence and authority and I delivered a message that came straight out of my time of intercession and worship that was relevant and necessary. There was no doubt in my mind that God and God alone had given me the strength to stay awake and make sense at that point. 

So I am not incapable of preaching. In fact when I truly position myself to worship, intercede in prayer and hear his voice I am actually very capable. I said before that I don't know why I'm taking this training... perhaps I do know why. 

Perhaps I need to remember that God is not limited by my talents and abilities. He makes me able. He gives me words to speak and the courage to speak them with confidence. Maybe I need to get over myself and stop saying things like "I am not a preacher". If God wants me to preach then it would be wise for me to do it with my whole heart.

I know that I am not alone in feeling inadequate when it comes to preaching. I know that many, if not all of the participants, probably share some of my insecurity and uncertainty to a certain degree. But we are there working through the steps, determined to give it a go and I know that blesses God's heart. But I also know that it is so much easier to work with warm clay. I don't want to place cold, hard clay in God's hands, I want to be open to whatever he wants me to do or learn. I want to place myself as warm, malleable clay in his hands so that God can use this training to shape me however he wants. 

God forgive me for saying that I'm not a preacher without first asking you if it was something that you wanted me to do. Change my heart and my attitude so that I don't miss a single thing that you are teaching me.   

Surprise!

I have to be honest, 

I don't really like surprises. 

I mean, I usually like the surprise itself - gifts are great - what I don't typically enjoy is the process of "being" surprised. The moment where the blind fold is on or the wrapping paper is still on the package. I feel stupid saying it but those moments leading up to a surprise actually make me kind of nervous and self conscious. 

The what if's and the not knowing makes me feel anxious and worried. And here's where I feel like I may start to sound really stuck up and selfish but I'm trying to be brutally honest so stick with me because there's a spiritual concept that I'm working up to. 

I get really self conscious about whether or not I'm going to like the surprise because I don't want to disappoint the person who went through the work to surprise me. I want to really like the surprise but I also want to go in with no expectations so that I can't be disappointed. 

In short I'm paranoid and I worry too much...

Before you get too worried about me know that it's something that God is working on in my life because God really likes to give gifts. And, honestly, sometimes he hands out some pretty strange ones that just don't make much sense. His ways are not our ways so sometimes the gifts he gives are just not what we would expect from him. 

Tonight I listened to this pod cast from the Gathering in Georgia about the events that take place in Luke chapter 2. The speaker, Mike Paschall, talks about how unexpected it was for everyone that Jesus came into our world as a baby. No one was looking for a baby. How ordinary and odd for GOD to make the decision to send the Messiah not as a conquering hero but as a regular baby with regular looking poor parents. 

The people in the temple that day could have completely missed the significance of what was really going on. Many people there on that day did miss it but one man moved by the Holy Spirit was able to see what he had never expected. That man made the decision to speak life over a regular looking baby in faith trusting that the Holy Spirit and not his human perspective was correct in saying that this child was the long awaited Messiah. 

Mike ended his message by encouraging his audience to ask God to reveal to them the things that he has already placed in their arms. Those things may be unexpected, they may not look the way you think they should but that doesn't mean that they are not from God. And it is our task, through the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, to look at the things that God has placed in our arms, acknowledge that they are a gift from God and receive it, speaking life and not death over it. 

The message not only caught my attention it caused me to pause and check out my heart. 

You see on the race I developed this passion to fight human trafficking. I have poured a lot of time and effort into researching, praying and collecting information about it this past year. I know what I want to do; I want to fight human trafficking. I want to fight it here in Canada and I want to go back to Asia to some of the nations I was in previously to fight it there. 

It's a really good dream.

I believe that one day I will pause and realize that I am actually in the middle of accomplishing that dream. But what about today? What about right now? 

My eyes are on anything but what God has placed into my arms right now because the doors opening up to me are not what I had originally expected to see. 

I see homelessness and low income housing. 

I see a call to advocate on behalf of people in my community.

I see the First Nations people.  

I see people with addictions and mental health issues. 

I see the marginalized, the abused and the misunderstood. 

I see youth with no place to go. 

I see the unemployed. 

I see struggling families. 

Human trafficking... Asia... As much as I look down at the bundle God has placed in my arms and squint my eyes if I'm really honest that is not actually what I see right now.

That scares me... it's a surprise that I wasn't expecting and a gift that I am kind of reluctant to receive. What if accepting this gift means I have to give up my other dream? What if choosing to speak like over what is in front of me means I don't get to do what I really want to be a part of doing? What if I never get back to Asia? What if I spend the rest of my life here IN Canada serving the poor and the homeless?

It's not a bad life... but it's also not exactly fighting human trafficking around the world. 

The Bible says that God gives us good gifts. I believe that but when I look down at the very ordinary looking stuff in front of me I can't help but feel doubtful about it and wonder if I'm missing out. But I know that's not right. I know that God gives good gifts and when I look at the doors he opens for me I can walk through them with confidence.

This is where it all comes back around and ties into the previous post about spying out the land. The things that God has for me are good. There is a promised land full of milk and honey that he has set aside as my inheritance. It may not look exactly like I think that it should with my human perspective but I am not called to walk by sight, I am called to walk by faith. 

Even if I don't quite understand the things that God is leading me to I know that I can trust that it will be very good. 

So why not join me?

Open your heart to receive God's gifts (even the surprises!) and begin to walk by faith through the doors he opens for you. 

I Spy...

A large part of living a prophetic lifestyle is being willing to step out and do something without knowing all of the reasons why you are being asked to do it. 

Generally speaking I'm not always very good at living my life in that way. I like to have a plan to follow. I am more than willing to do something a little bit spontaneous and crazy if I know how it's going to turn out and can understand the logic behind the actions. I like to be safe and I want to take safe, calculated risks. Unfortunately God does not necessarily operate within the same ideas of "safe" that I do. 

God calls us to walk in FAITH with the knowledge that the purposes of God are good and full of life even when we look in front of us and the valley is dark and full of death or the land is full of giants. We walk with Him in faith trusting that when we walk by his side he will keep us as safe as we need to be on our journey together. 

He calls us to be fearless, to be bold and to take hold of the promises that he gives to us long before we ever see them come to pass. That is not always an easy thing to do. When you read through the Bible you will see story after story of people with less than admirable beginnings witnessing the grace and power of God in huge ways. 

Yesterday morning Brian spoke about the spies that the Israelites sent into the promised land to scout things out before they decided whether or not to believe and obey God by going in as a nation to take the land. Instead of simply taking God at his word to enter the land by faith they thought it would be a good idea to double check and make sure that God wasn't leading them into a trap before going forward. As a nation they didn't act in faith and they didn't trust God. In fact the actions they took were down right insulting to the character of God and called into question his love for them. 

The error of the Israelites seems so clear to me as I sit warm in my kitchen with a cup of tea and my laptop writing this out for you but honestly I do the exact same thing all of the time. I send out my own "spies" to figure out what the land looks like. I ask a lot of questions, give minimal commitments or spend more time finding reasons not to do something than I do looking for ways to make things work all so that I know that I can back out at the last minute if I start to feel anxious or fearful. I effectively allow myself to forget the power, the authority and the love of the God I claim to serve and turn away from him too afraid of the battle to even try to claim the promises. 

Nothing about that is Biblical or right. God calls cowards to be warriors and possessors; he does not coddle the fearful or call them to hide from the battle. 

Psalm 144:1 proclaims: "...Praise the LORD, who is my rock. He trains my hands for war and gives my fingers skill for battle." 

It is a proclamation that is repeated in other places. In 2 Samuel 22:35 is says "He trains my hands for battle; my arms can bend a bow of bronze." 

Romans 8 echoes this refrain and brings it all together. In verse 28 we are reminded that God works for the GOOD of those who love him and are called according to his purposes. Verses 35-37 draw us to stand firm in our faith and yell our battle cries loudly: 

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all of these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 

I think that it's safe to say that if we decide to respond positively to this it will take a huge change of heart and a great deal of courage. 

 

So... How do we respond to this? What actions do we take?

I think a good place to start would be with Psalm 26:2

"Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind."

Will you join me?