Cold Clay

A couple of weeks ago I began going
to a training series that my church is putting on.
The series is on, wait for it... 

PREACHING. 

That's right. I'm taking a preacher training course. 

I don't know if that is really shocking or not. I also don't know exactly how I feel about it or even why I decided to take the course in the first place. The only answer I can give is that I did it on a whim because I was curious enough to put my name on a list and interested enough to think it may be useful. 

At the time I consoled myself with the thought that preaching can't be that much different from putting together an oral presentation for class. In spite of how anxious, shy and worked up I can get around people I actually genuinely enjoy presenting in front of a class. I think that a large piece of why I like presenting is because it's like teaching in a lot of ways and I really enjoy teaching. And that is where my insecurity comes into play.

I'm a teacher not a preacher. 

 

At least I think I am... That's what I've always told myself. 

I actually had several different opportunities to preach and share testimonies when I was away. I preached in Australia, Malaysia, India and South Africa specifically. I did a lot of speaking to groups everywhere else but it was never formal and usually directed towards children so I consider it teaching. 

My first crack at preaching happened in Australia and it was awful. Even while I was speaking I could feel my anxiety and the feelings of depression coming over me. I was ripping myself apart and I hadn't even finished speaking yet! It was seriously awful. I spent the rest of our night of ministry drilling into my head two things: 

1. I will never be good at preaching; 2. I will never willingly preach again.

Interestingly enough I've learned in the past couple of weeks that feeling tired and having the enemy come to attack, discourage and tear you down right after preaching is extremely common. We spent a good chunk of time in preacher training talking about it. 

I did preach again but I went into it with a lot of anxiety. 

In Malaysia I was given the honour of preaching in the villages of Rompin. Speaking in Malaysia was actually okay. Our team fasted together in preparation and I didn't get hit with the same terrible feelings of failure that I had before. 

Again in India we were given the honour to preach in several different villages and at a crusade. It was good. I really do like public speaking and by the time I was India I actually started to warm up to the idea of being in front of a crowd. What I still lacked confidence in and really struggled with was the message itself. I really did not see myself as capable of saying something that was truly from God. I spent hours privately doing a post mortem of my sermon obsessing over ways to be better and what I had done wrong. 

As part of preacher training I have to prepare and deliver two 5 minute "sermonettes" to the class. I fretted in the car on the way home about whether or not I'm even capable of hearing the voice of God and delivering a clear message. Somehow in the face of a giant I seriously began to doubt that I can hear God's voice. I was running through every less than stellar moment that I've had while preaching when God interrupted my thoughts.

"What about South Africa?"

"I didn't preach in South Africa." 

"Yes you did. Remember?" 

And then I did remember... In South Africa our squad set up and participated in a 24 hour prayer room to intercede over Coffee Bay. As one of the organizers and leaders I chose to fast, pray and stay awake for the full 24 hours. We ended our prayer time with a "Christmas Eve" in July service which I preached the message for. So many walls in my heart were broken wide open in that 24 hours. 

I don't know how to explain it exactly except that I had been with Jesus and it showed. I spoke clearly with confidence and authority and I delivered a message that came straight out of my time of intercession and worship that was relevant and necessary. There was no doubt in my mind that God and God alone had given me the strength to stay awake and make sense at that point. 

So I am not incapable of preaching. In fact when I truly position myself to worship, intercede in prayer and hear his voice I am actually very capable. I said before that I don't know why I'm taking this training... perhaps I do know why. 

Perhaps I need to remember that God is not limited by my talents and abilities. He makes me able. He gives me words to speak and the courage to speak them with confidence. Maybe I need to get over myself and stop saying things like "I am not a preacher". If God wants me to preach then it would be wise for me to do it with my whole heart.

I know that I am not alone in feeling inadequate when it comes to preaching. I know that many, if not all of the participants, probably share some of my insecurity and uncertainty to a certain degree. But we are there working through the steps, determined to give it a go and I know that blesses God's heart. But I also know that it is so much easier to work with warm clay. I don't want to place cold, hard clay in God's hands, I want to be open to whatever he wants me to do or learn. I want to place myself as warm, malleable clay in his hands so that God can use this training to shape me however he wants. 

God forgive me for saying that I'm not a preacher without first asking you if it was something that you wanted me to do. Change my heart and my attitude so that I don't miss a single thing that you are teaching me.